I've got soul, but I'm not a soldier...

I am 36 years old and consider myself a 'baby' Christian. Better yet, a toddler that has attempted a few feeble attempts at walking with Christ but falls down and decides it's easier and less painful to continue crawling. The walk seems too hard and God knows that I like to take the 'easy way out,' I've done it my whole life. I have decided I don't want to take the 'easy way out' anymore.

To be completely honest, the 'easy way out' is the most chaotic self-destructive path I could have ever chosen. The sadness and destruction I have caused to others and myself taking the 'easy way out' leaves me feeling guilty and depressed, it's overwhelming...For me, those feelings are the norm, I've been comfortable in that place for so long, it keeps me in the vicious cycle of self-loathing and self-destructive behaviors and patterns. I have believed that I will always be this way, that the things I have done in the past keep me separated from knowing Christ and forever crawling.

However, I re-read a blog my best friend wrote on forgiveness not very long ago. I've struggled with forgiveness all my life and find it very hard to forgive others and impossible to forgive myself. It's been a foreign concept to me and the biggest stumbling block in my life thus far, but when I read the bible verse he posted I was left with peace and a new understanding of forgiveness that I felt would forever elude me.

So watch yourselves. "If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, 'I repent,' forgive him."
Luke 17:3-4 (New International Version)

What I can put into words is this: God has always forgiven me, but I chose to take the 'easy way out' and believe he could never forgive someone like me. Letting me continue down the same path where I have always been comfortable yet miserable...

How happy I am to be able to say today, "Lord, I am ready to walk, I'll stumble and I'll fall but I WILL get back up this time, no matter how much it hurts because I am FORGIVEN...