Tuesday, August 18, 2009


What if I decided to quit expecting the worst and hoping for the best?

And instead I expected the best and nothing less than the best?

Monday, August 17, 2009

My soul is weary with sorrow...

My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to Your word. Psalm 119:28

That's how I am feeling today.

With Georgia going back to her dad's last night and going back to work full-time I am feeling emotionally drained and very sad. But God is good and he continues to bless my family. Having Georgia full-time this summer, working part-time and actually being able to afford it was a blessing straight from God.

God has brought me so far from where I was last summer to where I am this summer. This time last summer I was in a full-on depression and questioning everything from my parenting skills to relationship choices.

I have hope now; where before I had none. God has given me strength and I know He will continue to strengthen me and carry me through the rought times in my life...

Thursday, April 23, 2009


that's what he said, I'm referring to my pastor, said in his sermon last Sunday. So I imagine looking out my front door and seeing four mountains in my way. Each representing an issue in my life that I need to give to God and have faith in Him in order for my mountains to move.

Pastor Chad also said, "every victory begins with obedience and thanks," and the thing is...I've really got places I need to go. So, I'm going to be faithful, thankful and obedient and watch these mountains disappear.

Step one of obedience, for me, will be to stop spewing the negativity from my mouth.

He said to them, “Because of your little faith. For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.”
—Matthew 17:20

Wednesday, March 25, 2009


ummm yeah, I'm trying to adopt that as my new mantra, it's hard though. The 'keep sweet' I took from the book I've been reading called Stolen Innocence by Elissa Wall. She's an ex-FLDS member and throughout the book you find they're told their whole lives to 'keep sweet,' especially the women. 'Keep sweet' is something of a mantra repeated to these girls/women to remind them of their place, their submissive role in marriage. I want you to know I'm not using 'keep sweet' disparagingly. I am using it because I need to 'keep sweet' to God and I need to submit to Him...

I've been dealing with my temperament lately after asking God to help me with my shortcomings. I can tell you that when God starts doing a work in my life He is met with resistance like you have NEVER seen. I hate change and I'm stubborn, but I am grateful that He will NEVER give up on me.

Definition of temperament:

1.a. The manner of thinking, behaving, or reacting characteristic of a specific person: a nervous temperament. See Synonyms at disposition.
b. The distinguishing mental and physical characteristics of a human according to medieval physiology, resulting from dominance of one of the four humors.

2. Excessive irritability or sensitiveness: an actor with too much temperament.

I googled temperament last week and ended up taking some dumb quiz. I say it was dumb, but some of it rang true.


You are a person of great enthusiasm - easily excited by many things.
Unsatisfied by the ordinary, you are reaching for an epic, extraordinary life.
You want the best. The best life. The best love. The best reputation.

You posses a sharp and keen intellect. Your mind is your primary weapon.
Strong willed, nothing can keep you down. Your energy can break down any wall.
You're an instantly passionate person - and this passion gives you an intoxicating power over others.

At your worst, you are a narcissist. Full of yourself and even proud of your faults.
Stubborn and opinionated, you know what you think is right. End of discussion.
A bit of a misanthrope, you often see others as weak, ignorant, and inferior.

This part rang true... At your worst, you are a narcissist. Full of yourself and even proud of your faults. Stubborn and opinionated, you know what you think is right. End of discussion...Lately, I've been at my worst a lot more than I'd care to admit and I am choleric. I'm easy to anger, a hot head and can be very irritable at times. I can also be intolerant, impatient and a pain in the a$$.

I really didn't know what to do with that information. I felt convicted about it, but I didn't know what to do to fix it. However, I happened to pick up one of Lowell's books that I found laying around the house, Thoughts in Solitude by Thomas Merton. I thought this book would be a drag but figured I'd take a looky-loo, and guess what he talks about in chapter 1? Temperament...coincidence? I think not and I'm so glad I picked that book up.

Here is some of what Merton says about temperament:

All temperaments can serve as the material for ruin or for salvation. We must learn to see that our temperament is a gift of God, a talent with which we must trade until He comes. It does not matter how poor or how difficult a temperament we may be endowed with. If we make good use of what we have, if we make it serve our good desires, we can do better than another who merely serves his temperament instead of making it serve him.

He also says:

A tempermentally angry man may be more inclined to anger than another. But as long as he remains sane he is still free not be angry.

I don't always feel sane, but I know I am not certifiable and I am free to choose to not be easily angered.

His inclination to anger is simply a force in his characteristic which can be turned to good or evil, according to his desires. If he desires what is evil, his temper will become a weapon of evil against other men and even against his own soul.

That floored me when I read it, I feel like I have strived for peace for so long but that just isn't true. I am so used to chaos, in and around my life. I yearn for it, albeit subconsciously, but at times consciously too, when it is absent. Probably because I'm restless by nature and sometimes find ordinary life mundane and boring. Creating drama in your life like that is really just an evil desire and I am praying God deliver me from that...Let me restate that, He is delivering me from that I'm just putting up one heck of a fight.

If he desires what is good his temper can become the controlled instrument for fighting the evil that is in himself and helping other men to overcome the obstacles which they meet in the world.

The other part of the quiz that also rang true, and it's true for most, is this: Unsatisfied by the ordinary, you are reaching for an epic, extraordinary life. You want the best. The best life. The best love.

Well, I've already got the best love, God loves me no matter what, even when I'm being a drama queen. He loves me and wants an epic, extraordinary life for me. Seriously, what could be better than that?

I'm going to stop fighting the changes and focus on God and the peace He brings and enjoy it for once. And just keep repeating to myself over and over again...'keep sweet.'

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Letter to my daughter

Dear Georgia,

This is a letter I have wanted to write to you for nearly 6 months. I did not do it because it caused me so much pain to even think about. I miss you so much and your absence makes my heart ache.

That pain was unbearable for so long, but God is good and has given me peace. I still miss you but I know you are where you are supposed to be, for now. I had peace when God led me to the decision to let you live with your daddy, but I questioned God because I chose to lean unto my own understanding. I will no longer question God's will for our lives.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

Although we are apart physically you are always in my heart and on my mind. I love you so much and you are my proof that God is real and that He is good.

Georgia, you are beautiful, generous, inquisitive and have the sweetest heart of anyone I know. Your love of the Lord amazes me. When you are 77 I pray your love and faith in the Lord be as strong, if not stronger, as it is at age 7.

I want you to know that having dinner with you is the highlight of my week and I look forward to the weekends we are together. You are such a joy and a blessing to me and many others, I hope you always know that. You are the best parts of daddy and me and NEVER doubt our love for you.

You are so young and impressionable and I promise to do my best by you and train you up in the way you should go...

You are loved unconditionally, wanted and cherished forever.

Faithfully yours,


Let love and faithfulness never leave you …write them on the tablet of your heart. Proverbs 3:3 NIV

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

I've got soul, but I'm not a soldier...

I am 36 years old and consider myself a 'baby' Christian. Better yet, a toddler that has attempted a few feeble attempts at walking with Christ but falls down and decides it's easier and less painful to continue crawling. The walk seems too hard and God knows that I like to take the 'easy way out,' I've done it my whole life. I have decided I don't want to take the 'easy way out' anymore.

To be completely honest, the 'easy way out' is the most chaotic self-destructive path I could have ever chosen. The sadness and destruction I have caused to others and myself taking the 'easy way out' leaves me feeling guilty and depressed, it's overwhelming...For me, those feelings are the norm, I've been comfortable in that place for so long, it keeps me in the vicious cycle of self-loathing and self-destructive behaviors and patterns. I have believed that I will always be this way, that the things I have done in the past keep me separated from knowing Christ and forever crawling.

However, I re-read a blog my best friend wrote on forgiveness not very long ago. I've struggled with forgiveness all my life and find it very hard to forgive others and impossible to forgive myself. It's been a foreign concept to me and the biggest stumbling block in my life thus far, but when I read the bible verse he posted I was left with peace and a new understanding of forgiveness that I felt would forever elude me.

So watch yourselves. "If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, 'I repent,' forgive him."
Luke 17:3-4 (New International Version)

What I can put into words is this: God has always forgiven me, but I chose to take the 'easy way out' and believe he could never forgive someone like me. Letting me continue down the same path where I have always been comfortable yet miserable...

How happy I am to be able to say today, "Lord, I am ready to walk, I'll stumble and I'll fall but I WILL get back up this time, no matter how much it hurts because I am FORGIVEN...